Struggling

I don’t write on here very often because it is so revealing to a broader audience and I prefer that 1:1. But I am in a place currently where I am needing the prayers and hope of our community. I will share to a point here, but not fully due to who can read this public forum and how that could affect other aspects of my life

I wrote today to a Villager re: health concerns: “l am struggling deeply with failing health. I am sad, devastated, angry, feel hopeless and helpless. I feel my window of capacity in energy and emotional coping skills shrinking daily. I’ve been living with an illness for 22 years and the health condition is winning”.

Ryan and I have some decisions to make for my health. These decisions are re: whether to treat the health concerns more aggressively or whether to just continue on the path we are on and deal with the symptoms the best I can. I have had something like 12+ surgeries in my life. An aggressive approach works for a period of time. However, there is s big recovery and that treatment always leads to more problems to deal with and no long term solution. My hope is dwindling.

I am begging for God to relieve me of this cup (“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me.” Luke 22:42). This has been a constant prayer since age 18. I am broken that he hasn’t said yes to this request, but know I am not the only one he’s said no or not yet to. Everyday I serve patients and families  at the hospital who have been told no to their requests; they are dying. How are my requests any more valid than theirs? Some days I fall into the trap of thinking that because I live my life in service, I should either be saved by God because 1) I deserve it due to my years of ministry to others, or 2) because of course God would want my service of others in His name to continue. God doesn’t need me and My value to Him doesn’t come through what I do in His name. But I long for him to come through for me in this way; why won’t you show your love in this way, Lord? But He answers me in His quiet way that He already showed His love in the ultimate way with the sacrifice of His son on that cross for me. Is that not enough?

I’ll end this asking for your prayers. You may not know all the details but you know enough to lift up my name to the Lord whenever you think of me.