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Confession and a plea for help in the form of prayer. As most of you know I have struggled most of my life with self destructive thoughts. I have done some pretty awful things to my body in my past. I have been under a lot of attack since we moved into the new building. I really do not think it has anything to do with the new building. It think it has to do with the fact that I started feeling better health wise when we moved into the new building and it was time for me to start taking care of myself again and deal with my body. Over the past several months, I have taken some steps forward to reconnect and care for my body and they have been challenging but good. But the thoughts of self destruction have come right along with eveything. I have not had thoughts to cut or burn myself in a while, but I have thoughts to eat things which will make me sick, not eat which will make me sick, smoke, not shower, not care for the ezcema which is all over my hands, not take my medicine( which I still am taking faithfully). I have been working really hard to choice truth and it is a moment by moment battle, but reassuring that I know that Jesus has freed me from this. But as I have been talking to God, I realize that I still have this hidden area of deep seated sin of total hate for my body and anger at God that He created. I really love life and it is good and enjoy what is happening, but somewhere deep down I am full of contempt for me. I cannot seem to break myself from it. I realized the other day that I struggle so much with just sitting and resting and being because I just don't like being with myself. As I spent four hours on the road driving to and from Phoenix today talking to God, I realized that I really want to be free of this. I want to be free of walking on the boundary of His love and just getting tastes here and there, but having one foot in this sin of destruction and hate. I want to jump in the ocean of His love instead of playing on the shore dipping my feet in. I am not sure I know how and I know I need prayer. Thus the blog. I have been getting to the gym this week to take care of my body and exercise which is an awesome praise. |
