Because of my history and the mental illness, most of the time I cannot remember what happened unless I journaled about it and can re-read it. There are however, I few life changing things that stick with me like glue: becoming a believer, graduating from High school, getting sent home due to self-harm from Denver, two psychiatric hospitalizations, coming to the Village finally when we were at Bethal ( and officially meeting Rod for the first time although I had heard him preach at New Covenant – I was so afraid of him ), nearly dying from blood clots in my lungs and proclaiming I wanted to live, Eric praying over me as my spiritual authority against Satan, being freed from the oppression of my childhood and Satan– praying at Teen Challenge that day 11/10/04, and I think now I will always remember 2012.
I have talked to many people about what has been going on this year, but I wanted to get it out to the whole community. Toward the end of 2011, the medication to manage my Bipolar started not working as well. It got worse in January 2012 and I stopped sleeping. Then, work went crazy and I started covering for another person while working my already full job. The short story is the medication adjustments did not work and in March I went out of Medical Leave. From March to June, life feels like a big blur as I was trying to stabilize my mental health and live without a lot of financial means as I was living off of people’s generosity of donated annual leave. I returned make to work with a demotion into a supervisor position about a month ago. My mental health meds stabilized, my hormones still in flux and be tested. I have tried to get my feet back stabilized this last month into life.
This week kind of felt derailing again. Thursday, someone most all of us have tried to help got hospitalized for an attempted overdose and my good friend who I tried to prove was not in the wrong was forced to resign. It was interesting because it shifted me to this really dark place even though I had this awesome conversation with Rod that morning about not shifting to that really bad place and how we could catch ourselves or help the ones we loved. Today, I broke down. I went to the doctors for what should have been a simple routine visit and within minutes it turned into craziness. Nurses rushing around, doctor calling specialists, running tests immediately, make special calls to get tests this weekend and tests first thing Monday, being told repeated that if anything shifted or changed or felt different I needed to be rushed to the hospital. It was shocking and yet familiar. This is what everyone was doing around me 8 years ago when I nearly died and I was in ICU. Terror struck my heart at the word blood clots and my initial reaction was to completely freak out. I had several little break down moments throughout the night.
Then, as I was trying to sort out my head and pray, it hit me. God is hedging you in again!!!! This year I started dabbling with the death path, not taking care of myself, not believing God, smoking off and on, isolating. He does not let me get away with it for very long. Sometimes I come back without kicking and screaming, but most times He slams me flat on my back (at times literally being bed ridden) and He carries me back into the hedged in house that we created for me with Him. You would think someone would learn after all these years that the death path always ends up in literal physical death if you do not listen to God, but I am “slightly” stubborn and strong-willed. The more I learn and get closer to Him, the more quickly life deteriorates when I am not choosing life and obedience. The beautiful thing is that He always brings me back and loves me like I never left.
With all that said, I am asking for prayer. My doctor wanted to put me on blood thinners immediately with my history and the bruising and clots that I have know and I guess have had for a long time, he believes that I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. However, I get the glory of being complicated. Always thought I was low maintenance – I am really just a complicated mess of chemicals that no doctor completely understands. I have to see a blood specialist because of the psych meds that I am on the complications of mixing meds. I have started back on aspirin today, but that will not be sufficient. So please pray for wisdom for the doctors and good communication between all my many doctors. Also, there is this “little” issue with my Cortisol (stress hormone) being out of whack and there are still tests going on that. Maybe, I won’t be writing blogs at midnight once that is corrected. The good news is things are being found out and looking into now. That is one major blessing!!!!!