Lately I have been thinking that I am so glad God says "No" to some of my prayers. When I was little, I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to go to Spain to teach English. I dreamed of going to Spain. I dreamed of being a published author and sharing my stories with the world. By the time I was in high school, though, I forgot about those dreams and thought my only goal in life was to get married and have about ten kids. From the age of 12-21 I was a nanny/babysitter for many families and I loved taking care of kids so much, I thought that was all I wanted to do. Then at 21, I was so burnt out and sick of taking care of other people's kids. I felt like a 45 year old women after all those years of responsibility so I decided to stop nannying. My plan was to take a break so that I wouldn't be burnt out for my own children someday and I wanted to get away from that life so that I could learn how to be a twenty-something woman instead.
I prayed constantly that I would find my husband! That is all I wanted, I thought. As I got older and all of my best friends and my siblings, even my younger sister got married, I was so mad at God and wondered why he was not listening to me! HEre he was answering everyone else's prayers about it, even using me to introduce people who would marry, and I felt like I was being completely ignored!
Then in the past year or two my sisters and brother started having babies. Suddenly, when my younger sister was pregnant, a new feeling rose in me: Oh my gosh! I NEVER want to have kids! I actually felt panic inside at the thought of the responsibility of having my own children! What a change! I think I was finally enjoying my life and feeling free from the responsibility of taking care of children that the thought of having my own right now makes me so glad that I DON'T have kids! This aversion is new to me because I am twenty-five and for at least twenty years I have wanted them. This feeling might change in the future again, but for now, I am just glad God said "no" to that request, otherwise I would not be able to do all the things I have been doing these past few years.
Suddenly it dawned on me a few weeks ago, that while God was saying "no" to my prayers for a family all this time, instead, he was fulfilling all of my other long held dreams! For the past few years, I have been working towards finishing my BA degree-something I NEVER thought I would have the strength to do because I hated school so much! One day before I moved to Tucson, I heard an autobiography of a horse trainer and deeply desired to learn how to trian horses, but never thought it would actually happen. I have since learned how to train horses in school! That is most certainly a dream that I thought was impossible. I have had fun taking dance classes, art classes and sewing classes in my spare time, worked in various jobs, traveled around the country-all things I dreamed about doing, but never thought they'd actually happen! Also, I have been able to experience living by myself in my own little place which I wasn't sure I would like, but wanted to try anyway. That has been absolutely wonderful! Best of all, my love of writing was renewed and now I am graduating with writing as my ultimate career goal! When I realized that God has been answering my most "impossible" dreams, my unspoken desires all this time, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and I cried. This year I have been struggling with feeling like God is far away from me-or I am far from God, but thinking about how God has been fulfilling my deep desires all this time-my desires I have had since childhood even, I realized suddenly that God has been right here with me all along! All along, he was telling me that he loved me and was pleased with me and wanted to do more with my life than I ever dreamed. He was bringing things into my life that I had forgotten I wanted.
To think that I had one linear, small view of the direction my life and where it was supposed to go! And here God was all along making my life richer than I would have planned for myself! I am feeling a little guilty that the revelation hasn't dawned on me before this moment and that I spent so much time whining to God about the other "one" thing. I think part of me got stuck with praying only for a husband and children because I thought that was the "easiest" thing to pray for! I think part of me was really asking for a family because I believed, "Well, when am I ever going to learn how to train horses or go to Spain? A husband and family will be the easier thing for God to bring since he did it for everyone else in my life, so I'll just pray for that so I won't be disappointed." HAHAHAHA!! Oh me of little faith!
I feel like the Lord really WOWED my socks off by doing all of the things I didn't think were possible! Now because I do not have a family, and because I will have my degree, I can leave the country more easily! Not only that, but now I have contacts in Spain so the dream of living and working in Spain for a time is becoming a reality! While I prepare to graduate in December, I am looking back and seeing how God stepped into my life at various points and made the "impossible" happen. I am just so thankful that He didn't agree to my limited plan for my life, said "no" to the direction I thought my life should go and filled it with unending rich adventures! Best of all, I realized He has been hearing me all along and not just listening to the words of my prayers, but the deepest desires of my heart that I thought were too impossible or silly to ask for. I am so incredibly thankful and REALLY EXCITED to see what "impossibilities" the Lord will bring along next! He is too good.....